Re-affirming Positive Associations

You Reap What You Sow

A Steven Covey snippet... Adding him to my library shopping list!

Reconnecting with Excitement About Your Future

Do you remember your graduation day? That sense of achievement, your insides buzzing with anticipation, and you family beaming with pride? Do you remember what it felt like when you were offered that job you’d been drooling over? How confident you were that this job was going to make all the difference in your career?  Perhaps you’ve had other moments like your wedding day or the birth of your first child. Those moments full of joy and an eagerness for the experiences the years ahead would bring.  These memories are more than just milestones from your past. They are peak emotional experiences when you were not only reveling in the moment, you were also looking ahead to your future.

Answer this honestly: How long has it been since you’ve been excited about your future? Has it been longer than you like to admit? I’m not going to ask you why you haven’t been excited lately, because the odds are your  pride would compel you to make an excuse or blame some circumstance beyond your control. Sometimes the “why” question is the least productive question you can ask yourself. I believe it is more useful to ask yourself, “What can I do about it?” 

Step 1: Find something to get excited about

Dreaming is not just for graduates. Anticipation is not just for Brides & Grooms. No matter what stage of life you are in, there is something ahead that you can set your sights on and work toward.  Whether it be a well-deserved vacation, remodeling your home, or a new business endeavor; find something that inspires you to dream again.

Step 2: Make it visual

Make a picture of it in your mind and then a physical representation of it. Put it somewhere prominent so you can look at it often and remind yourself of your aspirations. Ellie in Pixar’s “Up” had an Adventure Book where she saved her mementos. She also had a whole section dedicated to things she was going to do. Queen Latifa’s character in  “Last Holiday” had a similar book of “possibilities”. They would have remained just that if a medical diagnosis hadn’t inspired her to start living out the things she always dreamed of. I also recommend laying your goal out in stages. My personal vision board has 1 year, 2 year, 3 year and 5 year segments.

Step 3: Go for it!

Dreaming only takes you so far. Capitalize on your new-found excitement to take action. Use your excitement strategically to fuel whatever work your goal requires. Once you get the ball rolling, a whole new wave of excitement might ensue as milestones are reached and your end-goal approaches. 

Birds of a Feather...

That we tend to choose friends who are similar to us should be no surprise. Those we spend the most time with tend to have similar backgrounds, values, and interests. We even tend to have similar habits, behavior patterns, and vocabulary. Put another way, you and I are the “average” of who we hang out with. Nothing earth shattering, right? But consider this: what happens when there is a major change in your life that suddenly changes how you fit into that group? Or what if you’re trying to make a lifestyle change that others in your circle don’t support? If the change you want to make is outside your social circle’s characteristics, you are going to have to limit your exposure to them.

 A few examples: Alcoholics committing to sobriety have to skip happy hour with co-workers. Substance abusers have to avoid parties where drugs are likely to be present and people they used to get high with. College-bound high school-ers need to sacrifice time with their buddies who dropped-out. Someone struggling with depression would do well to avoid pessimists and complainers. I don’t say this to be cruel. Most of the time, friends and family want the best for us and say that they want to support us. That is, until they don’t.

One of the biggest insights into human behavior that I took away from my training in psychology was  that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but only in the context of relationships. You see, our family, friends, and associates make up our social environment… and we make up theirs. When we make changes in our lives we are disrupting the equilibrium of theirs as well. Conscious or not, they will pull us back toward the “homeostasis” previously established. That is, unless they are changing too.

We are very fortunate when those closest to us are on-board with change in our lives and are on a joint journey of personal growth. It’s decidedly harder for us when those closest to us want things to stay as they are. Change is hard enough. Going through it alone is even harder.

My recommendation: seek out those who have achieved what it is you are pursuing. Shadow them. Allow them to be your role models. Notice things they do that sustain their achievements. Create for yourself a new circle of influence in which your new associates either have what you want or are further along in their journey. Do not get sidetracked by people who are “stuck” at a lower level of functioning. Do not continue to subject yourself to toxicity. Make the decision to surround yourself with positive motivators and an inspiring social circle.

Resolve and Self-Motivation

re*solve [ri-zolv] - noun 1. a resolution or determination made as to follow some course of action. 2. firmness of purpose or intent; determination
It's probably pretty obvious to most that one's resolve is a determining factor in the fulfillment of New Years Resolutions. But before your resolve is tested, before you get your sights set on something, we must first be motivated. My husband is full of Dr. Phil-isms and is fond of saying "change comes only from inspiration or desperation". I'd agree with that. But I think all of us know people (including ourselves at times) who just never get motivated enough to change or do something about their situation. Everyone fantasizes about having a better life or being something more, but what keeps some people stuck while others move forward? One of my mentors likes to use the illustration of a pyramid:

23% of the population are near impossible to motivate. You could hand them a winning lotto ticket and they'd never call to claim their prize. Their disbelief, fear, complacency, and excuses would keep them exactly where they were, never taking advantage of the opportunity starring them in the face. 60% of people are possible to motivate... under the right circumstances. They're motivated as long as the sun is shining and the stars are aligned. The 10%-ers are Self-Motivated: they spur themselves on, they have self-discipline, and the resolve to  stick to it through the ups and downs. Then there's the few... the 3% of people out there who can inspire others to greatness. These categories are not life sentences. Perhaps at different stages of life we were UN-motivate-able, motivate-able, or self-motivated. For me, lately I've been oscillating between motivate-able and self-motivated. If you're like me, trying to get rooted as a self-motivated person, it helps to surround yourself with people who've already made that transition.Take note of the people you spend the most time with- are they the kind of person who actively pursues their goals and doesn't let disappointments deter them? Or are they stagnant, lacking drive, and more focused on the things they can't control than the things they can? Minimize time spent with those who are "stuck" and the amount of influence they have on you. Maximize your time with those whose drive you wish to emulate. Take note of what they do and follow suit. Repeat until self-motivation is a habit.

In the words of my favorite roommate: "Peace out"

Beyond Goal Setting: Forming Habits

One of my professors once explained that "The only difference between a goal and a dream is a plan." Or, stated another way:  "A dream is a goal without legs". The point is, dream achievement requires a plan of action. Wishing and hoping your dream will fall into your lap only leads to a wasted lifetime

Some of us stubbornly want some Good Samaritan, gracious benefactor, or fairy godmother to hand us our dreams. But don't forget even Cinderella had a plan to get to the ball that included taking care of business and sewing her own ball gown. It was only after she began working on her plan that she received the help from her friends and the fairy godmother.

 

Goals of course need to be specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound. I've practiced writing goals with this formula since grad school. My difficulty thus far has been in implementation. Here is a secret I came across two days ago that I was previously missing:

 

Tie A Habit To Each Of Your Goals

It works like this: identify a behavior that is complementary to your goal and make it a habit or routine. Example: If my goal is to average at least 10,000 steps a day on my pedometer over the next 7 days I will make always parking in the back row of the parking lot and walking for 20 minutes on my lunch break two new habits for me.

 

I'll share an actual goal I have for 2013: I need to carve out 5 hours a week to dedicate to the small business my husband and I run. This meets the criteria for specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound. The supporting habit I am developing to help me reach this goal is sitting down with my planner every Sunday night after dinner and scheduling my entire week. I will block out 1 hour per day M-F for business functions.

 

This is simple and straight forward enough that you may be tempted to take your entire list of 100 new year's resolutions and create 100 new habits all at once. go easy on yourself. Pick no more than 3 to focus on at a time. Once the new routinese truly are habits that you don't have to think about anymore, then feel free to add on a couple more. Happy goal setting!

My Three-Fold Purpose

Why blog? Is my egoism so strong that I must bombard the public with my views and opinions? Am I a narcissistic exhibitionist compelled to broadcast every shred of my personal life on the Internet? Am I so socially isolated that the only community I can seek is online? Is this just a New Years resolution that will be discarded in a week or two?
None of the above... at least, I hope not.
My purpose is two-fold: I'm at a point in my life when I'm committing to making a concerted effort to direct my path in life. No more passively waiting for things to happen. No more complacency. Blogging will serve as both an accountability log and as a sphere to process thoughts, ideas, and plans. Lastly, I hope people reading will find nuggets of inspiration. One never knows how their life may touch another's.

May my life impact unknown millions by the changes I'm making in myself.