Birds of a Feather...

That we tend to choose friends who are similar to us should be no surprise. Those we spend the most time with tend to have similar backgrounds, values, and interests. We even tend to have similar habits, behavior patterns, and vocabulary. Put another way, you and I are the “average” of who we hang out with. Nothing earth shattering, right? But consider this: what happens when there is a major change in your life that suddenly changes how you fit into that group? Or what if you’re trying to make a lifestyle change that others in your circle don’t support? If the change you want to make is outside your social circle’s characteristics, you are going to have to limit your exposure to them.

 A few examples: Alcoholics committing to sobriety have to skip happy hour with co-workers. Substance abusers have to avoid parties where drugs are likely to be present and people they used to get high with. College-bound high school-ers need to sacrifice time with their buddies who dropped-out. Someone struggling with depression would do well to avoid pessimists and complainers. I don’t say this to be cruel. Most of the time, friends and family want the best for us and say that they want to support us. That is, until they don’t.

One of the biggest insights into human behavior that I took away from my training in psychology was  that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but only in the context of relationships. You see, our family, friends, and associates make up our social environment… and we make up theirs. When we make changes in our lives we are disrupting the equilibrium of theirs as well. Conscious or not, they will pull us back toward the “homeostasis” previously established. That is, unless they are changing too.

We are very fortunate when those closest to us are on-board with change in our lives and are on a joint journey of personal growth. It’s decidedly harder for us when those closest to us want things to stay as they are. Change is hard enough. Going through it alone is even harder.

My recommendation: seek out those who have achieved what it is you are pursuing. Shadow them. Allow them to be your role models. Notice things they do that sustain their achievements. Create for yourself a new circle of influence in which your new associates either have what you want or are further along in their journey. Do not get sidetracked by people who are “stuck” at a lower level of functioning. Do not continue to subject yourself to toxicity. Make the decision to surround yourself with positive motivators and an inspiring social circle.